


Welcome! Everything is Fine.

by Sombrerokiwi



Category: No Straight Roads (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Good Place (TV) Fusion, Gen, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Tried, Long Shot, OOC, Oh boy this is going to be a weird ride, Queen - Freeform, Screenplay/Script Format, Sorry I first time doing this, i think, lots of rambling, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26623309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombrerokiwi/pseuds/Sombrerokiwi
Summary: The Good Place, an afterlife where people with the highest points go. A place where the best of the best get to be. Surely nothing will go wrong here and no underqualified people would slip in!
Relationships: DJ Subatomic Supernova & Neon J, Eve | Nadia & Zuke (No Straight Roads), Mayday & Zuke (No Straight Roads)
Kudos: 26





	Welcome! Everything is Fine.

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be the first part of a series and the fics may or may not be in order at times.

(A woman with bleached hair and orange skin opens her eyes and is sitting on a couch she does not remember sitting on. She looks around before looking at a wall in front of her containing the words “Welcome Everything is Fine”. To those words she smiles.)

(A man with a sonar screen comes in. He seems to be wearing a coat with a cape and furry collar and underneath seems to be a red turtleneck. He gestures to the woman to come in the office and some blips could be heard)

Neon J: Mayday? Come on in.

(The woman known as Mayday comes into the office. It’s has dark colors and some plants with a singular picture of four random teenagers who look like complete nerds)

Neon J:  
So Mayday you have a lot of questions. Why are you here, what is this place, and why am I a sonar screen? So I’m just going to shoot those three out of the way first. You, Mayday, are dead. And you are currently in The Good Place.

(The woman looks surprised for a moment before nodding her head awkwardly)

Mayday: Wait so I'm dead? Donezo? I’m gone?

Neon J: Yes. You are dead. Don’t worry though because this is an afterlife. The best afterlife actually. As I said before you are in the Good Place which is what you might call heaven.

Mayday: Wait so what religion got it right then?

Neon J: Actually all of them got about 5% right. Oh but those four over there?

(Neon J points to the picture of four teenagers)

Neon J in excitement and a bit of disbelief: Those four got it about 95% right! They were all sleep-deprived and they just. Boom! Got it right! Love those kids. Can’t wait to meet them.

(Mayday looks at the photo with an impressed look on her face before turning back to Neon J)

Mayday:  
So quick question and this is just about you. But uh. What’s with your..  
(Gestures hand over face)

Neon J:  
Oh this isn’t actually what I look like. I just chose this form because if you guys saw the actual one your eyes would have burnt out. (Breathes through teeth? How does he make that noise) That would not have been a good first day in The Good Place.)  
(Awkward silence coming from both sides as Neon J looks at the wall for a moment)

Neon J (so much enthusiasm):  
ANyway Mayday! Let us go give you a tour! You are the newest resident! Onwards! (Neon J points to the door and goes through it)

(Mayday follows suit with the same enthusiasm but there is some nervousness hanging)

The scene cuts to a town street with both Mayday and Neon J talking to each other

Mayday (in disbelief): So Michael Jackson is in the Bad Place, Plato is in the Bad Place, and all those rock stars are in there too?!

Neon J:  
I mean if you think about it Plato is a weird person in general, good philosopher but terrible person overall. (Agreeing sounds made by Mayday). And the rest of those artists are there because they couldn’t reach the point total. But you did! Isn’t that great?!

Mayday:  
What can I say? I’m just that good of a person. In high school, I had been voted as the most likely person to make a change!

Neon J:  
Really? Wow. Okay now you're going to meet your neighbors now. I think you got about five of them. Two of them are soulmates so that’s a fun experience for you right? And one of them likes Rock like you!

Mayday:  
Holy Shirt that’s AWESOME!

(Pause for a moment)

Mayday:  
Wait. Shirt. Shirt. Shirt. Why can’t I say shirt?

Neon J:  
Oh not a lot of people like curses here. So we disabled them. Anyway here is your house!

(The house is quite small. It has a cabin-like feeling. Cozy)

Neon J (contd.):  
Anyway it is exactly like the one you had when you were alive so you would have no problem navigating it.

Mayday:  
Yep! Why shouldn’t I not have any problem?

Neon J:  
Great! Now I have to go and help some other people and make sure everything is running smoothly. Ciao!

(As Neon J walks off, Mayday looks at the house in confusion. It is obvious that she hates it and it is not hers.)

Mayday:  
Well, here goes nothing.

(She opens the door and sees two people who seem to be panicking. One is a man with green skin and dredged hair. The other is a woman with one half of her skin white and the other pink with hair going up to her legs.)

Eve:  
What do you mean there’s been a mistake?!

Zuke:  
I mean that is not me! I never went to France to raise money for orphans! There’s been a mistake!

Mayday:  
(Clearing her throat)  
Hey! What are you doing in my house!?

(Both of them looked at each other and seemed to communicate the same reaction. Which is “We forked up”)

Eve:  
I’m so sorry we thought this was ours, it’s just Neon J was in a rush so we thought this might be…

Mayday now pointing to Zuke:  
Wait, you're not supposed to be here either?

Zuke:  
Wait what?

Mayday (excited):  
I’m not supposed to be here either! How cool is that? High-five!

(All of them are in silence for a while. Mayday looks at Eve and widens her eyes)

Mayday to Eve:  
Oh wow you look very pretty.

Eve:  
(Why did she say that to me? We’re strangers???) Thanks????

(Good Place theme song plays)

Eve:  
I’m sorry what do you mean by you don’t belong here either?

Mayday:  
I mean I don’t belong here!  
(Gestures to the living room covered in Queen albums)  
I don’t even like Queen that much! I mean I like it but not this Forking much!

Zuke:  
Okay but how much did they fork up really? Like did they get your name right but all your achievements wrong?

Mayday:  
They got my name right but then Neon J started to talk about how he found it admirable that I defended human rights and raised money in a concert! This isn’t even my house! I live in the sewer.

(Both Zuke and Eve glance at each other)

Eve:  
Sorry. You what?

Mayday:  
Lived in a sewer! College debt is high and the sewer has no rent and it has plenty of space! Also apparently starting a revolution against the government and setting fire to a few buildings is illegal. Which is bullshirt because the government wasn’t doing anything about the black outs anyways! We should take matters into our own hands!

(Zuke makes an agreeing sound before Eve elbows him)

Mayday (pointing to Zuke):  
Wait so why are you saying you don’t belong here? You look okay to me.

Zuke:  
I...uh…I was so avoidant of my problems that it just came and bit me in the ash and just hurt people down the road.

Eve:  
This is what you get for avoiding your problems.

Zuke:  
I said I was sorry!

Mayday:  
Hold up! You two are the soulmates Neon J was talking about!?

(Both scoff at that)

Eve:  
We’re exes. After someone ran from me!

Zuke:  
You set my hair on fire!

Mayday:  
Woah what-

Eve:  
I was illuminating your hair with lights!

(Eve and Zuke started arguing again while Mayday just sits down and thinks about her situation)

Mayday (with panic):  
Oh SHIRT! If me and Zuke aren’t supposed to be here then does that mean we need to go…  
(Gestures down)

Eve:  
Yes Pedestrian Girl you two do need to go to The Bad Place. However, considering that I looked at the point minimum I doubt it will be all that bad. I mean 10,000,000 points just to be here? The Bad Place is probably just mediocre heaven. I’ll just ask one of the 1010 members.

Eve (Contd):  
Hey 1010?

(A beep sound is heard and five boys with hair colors of white, blue, red, yellow and green respectively appear)

Mayday (jumping in surprise):  
Ah!

1010 (singing in sync):  
How can we help you?

Mayday:  
Uh sorry who are these hot boys in my room?

1010 (in sync):  
Not a boy.

Zuke:  
They’re 1010. The white one is Rin, blue is Purl-Hue, red is Zimelu, yellow is Haym, and green is Eloni.

Zuke contd:  
They’re like Siri but they actually understand what you say.

Mayday:  
Well I would like to take one of them out on a date sometime.

Eve:  
Rin. I can ask you anything right?

Rin:  
That’s right. You can ask me or my brothers anything.

Eve:  
Great! So can I ask what is The Bad Place like?

Rin:  
Oh! Sorry! That is the one thing we can’t answer! But we can give you a brief audio clip of what’s happening now!

(All 1010 open their mouths and screams and burning fire are heard through them. There is also bear noises and worm sounds in the background)

Audio (screaming):  
Why are there so many mosquitoes!?

(All the boys close their mouths and smile. Eve, Zuke, and Mayday are all terrified)

Mayday:  
Well it doesn’t sound great does it?

(Eve gives her a “Really?” look)

Zuke:  
Okay…how about we lighten the mood a bit hey? 1010 quick question, why do your voices sound like that? It sounds great don’t get me wrong but why were you included with the singing?

Eloni:  
Neon J thought it would be a nice touch so he went and added a singing option in us! Do you have any more questions?

Eve:  
No 1010 thank you for the information.

1010:  
Goodbye!

(1010 blips out.)

Eve:  
Right so we are definitely not sending you two to the bad place. What’s the other option?

Mayday:  
Oooh. How about we pretend we belong here? 

Zuke:  
So lying.

Mayday:  
No! We’re just saying things...that aren’t true about ourselves.

Zuke:  
Lying that’s called lying.

(Eve groans and opens her mouth before she is interrupted by an announcement by Neon J)

Neon J:  
Hey guys! Now we are all settled in time for introductions. As you know my name is Neon J and I’m the architect of this neighborhood. Now usually the first day is just normal but I just got news that one of our residents, Dj Subatomic Supernova has decided to throw a welcome party for us all! 

Neon J contd:  
So come on down to the street below and we’ll all be having a great first day in the Good Place!

(The video ends)

(Everyone is silent for a moment before Zuke speaks)

Zuke:  
Okay then. How about we go to the party first and then we will go and decide what to do about this situation. That sounds fun right?

Eve:  
I suppose we need to relax a bit.

Mayday:  
Aw Fork yeah! I love parties!

——————————————————————————

Cuts to Neon J helping Djss set up for the party in the Planetarium

(While Djss is setting up the Dj booth, Neon J is pasting stars on the walls.)

Djss:  
Neon J I did not ask for your help. I’m sure a busy architect such as yourself would not need to concern yourself with things such as parties.

Neon J (waving it off):  
Nonsense! I’m the architect and if you want to throw a party then of course I will help! Have to ensure the happiness of all the residents here!

(As Neon J tries to paste a star on the wall, he falls off the ladder. It only happens for a few seconds as Djss caught him with his fettucini arms)

Djss:  
I don’t think that falling to the point of injury would help us very much if I say so myself.

Neon J:  
Thank you for catching me Djss but it wasn’t needed. If I fall the worse that happens is my jacket tearing.

Djss:  
Yes that would happen. But then people wouldn’t be able to gaze at your majesty. I would describe you as the star...Polaris. One of the brightest stars that guides sailors to the north. I thought it would be fitting considering that you made this place and are now guiding us through the afterlife and shine bright among us.

Neon J (fork I’m gay):  
Oh I...uh. Oh wow. I…

(Error Screen pops up for Neon J. He is so god damn flustered. Djss panics a bit and reaches for him but Neon J recovers.)

Neon J:  
I...Thank you Djss. That is very flattering. I’ll uh…

(He looks for something to do so he can be flustered alone before he spots a roomba.)

Neon J contd:  
I’ll clean the roomba! Wait no sorry I’ll feed the roomba!

(Neon J rushes off with his sonar blipping faster. He really is flustered isn’t he? Djss slumps in relief and a tiny yellow girl skips over him)

Yinu (With a judgemental expression on her face):  
So your plan to not get sent to The Bad Place is to suck it up to Neon J?

(Djss lets out a high-pitched yelp)

Djss:  
Yinu don’t scare me like that. And I’m not sucking up to him, I’m merely showing that I am a good person and even if they made a mistake I clearly still belong here.

Yinu (smugly):  
So you're sucking up to him.

Djss:  
Shut it child you know nothing.

Yinu:  
You said that you were an astronomy professor when you were alive and did a music career to the side. You were underappreciated and you went and insulted almost everyone who knew you. When you met me and my mom you went and insulted us!

Djss:  
That’s not a lot of things. That’s about three and that means that you do not know me. At best we are acquaintances but really we’re strangers. Now stop talking you’ll blow my cover.

Yinu:  
You were the one who talked back. You're lucky that me and my mom went and felt bad for you!

Djss:  
Shut it kid. Don’t you need to help your mom with the flowers or something?

Yinu:  
Yeah yeah I’ll help.

(Yinu leaves leaving Djss alone)

Djss:  
Jeez that child is such a little shirt.

——————————————————————————

(We cut back to Mayday, Zuke, and Eve. They are all in fancy outfits. Mayday is in a suit rocking it, Zuke is in a suit as well and rocking it, and Eve is in the most beautiful dress you've ever seen. Think the duality of two people, you like boys, you like girls, you like girls in suits. Welcome to panic.)

(They are all going into Djss planetarium. It is decorated with stars and has planets all around. It feels relaxing and you hear some music playing in the background)

Mayday:  
Wait how come this guy gets a whole Planetarium and I’m stuck with a tiny cabin? That’s not fair! I want a huge ash mansion too!

Eve:  
Shush Pedestrian Girl. We need to act like we belong here. Besides we can see the expectancy of how good someone is. I doubt everyone here is a saint. Oh there’s someone there now! Excuse me? Miss?

(Eve waves over a little girl and a woman with red skin.)

Eve:  
Excuse me but I think we’re neighbors. I thought we might get to know each other! My name is Eve. (Gestures to Zuke and Mayday) And that’s Zuke and Mayday!

Yinu’s mom:  
Lovely to meet you. You can call me Mrs. Finch and my daughter’s name is Yinu. It is a pleasure to meet you. I don’t think you’ve met Djss yet have you?

Mayday (whispering to Zuke):  
Who names their kid Djss?

Zuke (In a hushed tone):  
May don’t be rude!

Eve:  
No actually we haven’t met Djss yet. Anyway what are your achievements I must ask.

Yinu:  
Me and Mama went and raised money for heart diseases! I’m a piano prodigy so I played the piano a lot when I was alive. Mama would go and help me with it! What did you do?

Eve:  
Oh I was a fashion designer who-

Zuke:  
Uh Eve where’s May?

(Zuke and Eve look around only to find Mayday drinking alcohol.)

Eve:  
Excuse us for a moment

(Both sped walk towards Mayday, who is currently on her 3rd cup of wine)

Zuke (whispering urgently):  
Mayday. Mayday. Mayday!

Mayday:  
Hmm? Whaaat???

Eve:  
Do not get drunk at this party Pedestrian Girl. We are trying to keep you in the Good Place, not get you kicked out!

Mayday:  
I just have this because everyone here is going to be better than me!

Zuke:  
Mayday that is not true. I mean we haven’t talked to that many people yet!

(Cuts to secondary character)

Stranger:  
Well I was a doctor who came up with notes to help make progress to have cancer eradicated. One of the scientists asked why I was doing this and really I actually did this because I can’t stand having people suffer and live a shorter life.

(Mayday takes a sip of her drink while Eve and Zuke nods awkwardly)  
(Cuts to stranger 2)

Stranger Stranger:  
People said it was impossible to rehabilitate these people. But you know what I did. They were all criminals yes but I believe that there is good in everybody. One of them even became an author describing how the prison system is unfair to the inmates!

(Eve is smiling forcibly and Zuke just closes his eyes, wincing. Mayday gets another glass of wine)

(Cuts to Stranger 3)

Stranger 3:  
The government wasn’t doing it so I went and got a small group to help me replant the whole forest. All 14 acres of it! It’s now a national park and is protected! We also helped repopulate an endangered species in the park!

(Eve looks pained to be congratulating them, Zuke is asking one of the 1010 members for a glass of wine, Mayday is on her 10th glass.)

Eve:  
Okay. So maybe everyone here is better than all of us. Both academically and socially but that doesn’t matter. We can still work with this. Maybe the next person would have done something a bit less...what’s the word?

Zuke:  
Angelic?

Eve:  
Yes! That’s the word!

(Mayday isn’t paying attention and instead shoving fries into her suit pockets)

Mayday:  
You guys do that. I’m going to go and steal that Djss hack’s planet. I think it’s Uranus. Hahaha Uranus sounds like your-

Zuke:  
May how many drinks did you have?

(Mayday looks at both of them before running to where the Planetarium exhibit is. Along the way Mayday herself bumps into Djss himself.)  
Djss:  
Hmm? A guest? I suppose people would be running up to talk to me considering how great I am. Now may I help you?

Mayday:  
Hi I’m trying to go steal.

(Mayday tries to hold in her laughter)

Mayday:  
I’m trying to steal Urannnuss.

Djss (confused):  
Sorry?

Mayday:  
I’m trying to steal it because the guy here seems like a butt-head! Hey I can say butt-head! Hahaha butt-head. I think his name is Djss? His face kind of looks like an egg ready to be cracked?

Djss:  
His face looks like an egg.

Mayday (she is so drunk):  
Yeahhhh! Like an egg. A chicken would probably come out of it! Hahaha! Peep peep!

(Eve and Zuke rush to her side and support her before she faints.)

Eve:  
Forgive my friend she had too much to drink. She’s just very giggly right now.

Djss (in the most neutral manner ever):  
She said that she was going to steal from my Planetarium.

Zuke (in realization):  
Oh you must be Dj Subatomic Supernova! Sorry we haven’t introduced ourselves. Hi! I’m Zuke, (pointing at Eve) that’s Eve, and this is-

Mayday:  
Hi I’m Maydayyy!

(Mayday gets out of Eve and Zuke’s grip and tries to climb Jupiter)

Mayday:  
WHEEEEEEEEEE!!

Djss (in the most not friendly tone):  
Pleasure to meet you. I believe you should help your friend before she causes more damage to the Planetarium. You may not appreciate space but I do. So please get out before Saturn and Jupiter collide with each other because of your friend.

Zuke:  
Oh uh, well sorry again. We’ll just bring her home now okay? Anyway bye!

(Eve and Zuke both rush to get Mayday out of here before she could do anymore damage. God she is drunk)

Djss (scoffing):  
Plutonians. It seems no one here appreciates the vastness of the galaxy here. No one appreciates space nowadays.

(Cuts to Zuke and Eve putting Mayday to bed)

Mayday:  
Hahaha, Zuke, you know what you remind me of?

Zuke:  
What is it May?

Mayday:  
A leek! Because of your hair! Leek hair.

Mayday contd:  
Also who does that Djss think he is? His face looks like a fish bowl. Wait no! An egg! No it’s a hamster ball. His face looks like a hamster ball

Eve:  
Yes Pedestrian Girl I’m sure it does. Now go to sleep okay?

Mayday:  
Hey guys? I just want to say thanks. You guys are amazing and sexy and all that and you're so good and I’m me. Just glad you're helping.

Zuke:  
May look we might have to-

(Mayday snores, interrupting Zuke. She’s out like a light.)  
Eve:  
In the morning?

(Zuke nods)

Zuke:  
In the morning.

(They use a the automatic closing doors for Mayday’s room and Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody is played loudly)

Queen:  
THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!!

(Both Eve and Zuke jump at this)

Eve:  
Jesus forking Christ was terrifying.

——————————————————————————

(Fast forward in time and Mayday wakes up. Stretching and having no hangover as this is the Good Place. The peace is disturbed when she hears Queen music being played in the background)

Mayday:  
What the fork?

(She gets up.)

Mayday:  
Who the fork would play Queen music at this time?

(She opens the windows to a truly chaotic sight. There are giant eggs everywhere and birds are hatching from them. French fries are also flying in the sky for some reason and there are giant hamster balls everywhere. For some there are also sentient leeks running around as well as giant fish bowls. Planets and stars are also crashing down, most notably Saturn, Jupiter, and Pluto. Everyone for some reason is wearing a hideous looking polka dot pattern onesie. Truly a terrifying sight.)

(Yinu and her mom seem to be running for cover while Djss shields them under his fettucini arms. Neon J soon runs up to the three of them)

Yinu’s mom:  
Oh Mr. Neon J! Thank god! Do you know what’s happening here and why there are french fries flying through the sky?

Neon J:  
Oh uh. That’s actually something I don’t know about. I think the best you can do now is to run and go for cover.

Yinu:  
So we just keep running?

Neon J (shrugging his shoulders):  
Yeah pretty much!

(Eve and Zuke are also running around before Mayday runs up to them)

Mayday:  
Guys what the fork is happening!? Why are there french fries in the sky and hamster balls everywhere? And why is everyone in a onesie?

(Eve looks down at Mayday’s white t-shirt)

Eve:  
You aren’t.

(Mayday looks down)

Eve:  
You are the only one who isn’t wearing a onesie! Mayday! You’re the cause of this!

Mayday:  
Ah Fork Me!

(Scene cuts to Mayday’s cabin full of Queen material. Zuke, Mayday, and Eve are all there panicking)

Mayday:  
Fork what can we do? I mean I’m not supposed to be here! Zuke isn’t supposed to be here! Do we just go and wait it out?

Zuke:  
No Neon J would notice that we’re missing from the neighborhood. We gotta figure out a better plan.

Eve:  
Maybe he will let you stay here and just give you mediocre everything instead! I mean you haven’t murdered anybody really!

Mayday:  
And risk going to the Bad Place?! Ha! Fork no.

Zuke:  
Wait. I got a bad idea but it’s an idea that could work. Hey 1010?

(1010 blips in and is also wearing the hideous polka dot onesie.)

1010:  
Hi there!

Zuke:  
No one can do a google history search on us right?

Purl-Hew:  
Nope! Everything you ask is strictly confidential.

Zuke:  
Perfect. I need one of you to get a polka dot onesie in Mayday’s size okay?

Purl-Hew:  
On it!

(Purl-Hew blips out)

Eve:  
Zuke what are you planning?

(Zuke is walking back and forth in panic. Purl-Hew appears again with the onesie.)

Zuke:  
I’m thinking that we can stay here. But you can teach us how to be better people.

Eve:  
WHAT!?

Zuke:  
Eve I know you went and took a class on philosophy when we were in college.

Mayday:  
Oh my god yes! Teach us how to be good people so that we can stay here! It’s brilliant!

Eve:  
It really isn’t. I mean we could ALL be sent to the Bad Place.

Mayday:  
But isn’t it a good thing to be helping us become better people?

(Eve opens her mouth before she closes it again. She is about to answer before a knock is heard.)

Neon J (muffled through the door):  
Eve? Mayday? Zuke? Are you in there? The storm cleared up a bit! We’re calling a meeting in Djss’ Planetarium to figure this out.

(All three panic)

Mayday:  
Shirt he’s here!

Zuke:  
Well Eve what’s it going to be? Our afterlife is in your hands.

(Eve looks between the door, to Mayday and Zuke, to 1010 and opens her mouth)

Eve:  
Fine!! 

(Mayday grins widely and Zuke sighs in relief)

Eve:  
Pedestrian girl put on the clothes. We need to make you have a low profile. Now then, it's showtime.

(Credits Roll)

**Author's Note:**

> Feel like the characters are a little ooc. Anyway comments give me life. Let me know if you find any grammar errors and suggestions to the fic so I can write the characters better in the future!
> 
> (Edit: Made a tweak at the ending so that there is some closure.)


End file.
